Consolidated Joke Thread

[Lionheart]

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all! I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison."

[stattointhailand]

Any similarity to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental

News from Reuters ..........

Worldwide Pokerman game ends after Pikachu is arrested

The Worldwide Pokerman game came to an end today as the BIB in conjunction with Special Forces Officers, located and arrested Pikachu.
Chief Supt Cockup "of the Soi" took no time at all to locate and arrest "The little Yellow guy" who "hadn't been around 5 mins".
After a quick visit to 7/11 where he purchased a cheesburger, bottle of M150, and checked his bank balance at the ATM outside, Cockup was soon on the trail of the illusive Pikachu
Using his extensive knowledge gained at NYPD (North Yala PD), he studied the evidence, and Identified Khun A S Goat (AKA PIKACHU) an 18year old Burmese National who had entered the country exactly 4 (FOUR) minutes earlier.
After extensive questioning Khun A S Goat admitted to being the illusive Pikachu along with 27 other offences dating back to 1962

[Lionheart]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. (ain't this one the truth)
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Lionheart]

A paraprofessional is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous.

· If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

· I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive,
and procrastinate all at once.

· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

· Take my advice — I'm not using it.

· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home
when you wish they were.

· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

· Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men
spend thinking.

· He who laughs last thinks slowest.

· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

· Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.

· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't
find it.


· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

· Money is the root of all wealth.


· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[Lionheart]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved
to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.. The man seemed
more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign
that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[vlad]

Bloke goes in a pet shop and buys a Parrot gets it home all he can get out of it is " I'm from Manchester and im Hard" this goes on all week and he thinks I've had enough of this so he gets a Kestrel and puts it in with the Parrot, gets up next Morning the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage the Parrot says " I'm hard me i'm from Manchester" so he gets an Eagle and puts that in the cage, next Morning gets up the Eagles Dead and the Parrot has no Feathers on it, looks at the Parrot the Parrot say's I had to take me Coat off for that One.

[@Thesportsbar]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
The customer says, "Female"
The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
The customer says, "White"
The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
The customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"
The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

[kulsungkham]

[Lionheart]

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...

Diamond D's Brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the
local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions
at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the
whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week, 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds
that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner
who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all nonsense."

[stattointhailand]

Some of the small print .....

Every day someone successfully uses a condom under the influence of alchohol.
250,000 times cheaper than the average child
Warning;- Objects in condoms may appear larger than they actually are
4 out of 4 persons prefer condoms to herpes
3 out of 4 dentists surveyed recommended sugarless gum for those patients that use condoms
Avoid the "Cavity Creeps"
Condoms are equally effective day and night
Never use with:-

Vaseline
Crisco
Cool Whip
Sandpaper
Hand lotion
Motor oil
Suntan lotion
Baby oil
Butter

[Lionheart]

>
>>> A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
>>>
>>>
>>> The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
>>>
>>> The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
>>>
>>> The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
>>>
>>> The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I am voting for Trump."
>>>
>>> The journalist leaves.
>>> The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
>>>
>>> And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

[stattointhailand]

If trump does win, will it be the first time a billionare has moved into a public property after a black family have been evicted from it

[747man]

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my di*k? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pu*sy? Never mind, you won't get it."

[stattointhailand]

No comment :-"

[747man]

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
They read in the paper that 1 out of every 5 babies born in the world is Hindu

[Lionheart]

Working at the Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.


As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is

boss, he beats it to death with a spade.


Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by

feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is

attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.


He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat

anything...


He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South

American Bees.


As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and

smashes the bees to a pulp.


By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because

lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another

lion and says "What's the food like here?"


The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with

Mushy Bees

[Lionheart]

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the telephone, but just as she's
dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on'.

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.


'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack
and you're running around naked, playing hide and
seek with the bloody kids!'

[stattointhailand]

Don't ya just love it when this happens .... "single reverse somersault with half twist from the biked position"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08 ... t-to-skip/

[Lionheart]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[fatbob]

Did you hear about the one on Udon Map, it was called 'times being displayed incorrectly'....