A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:
"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from the USA , says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from England, says, "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor?"
The Scotsman got the job.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Consolidated Joke Thread
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A gentleman was placed into the nursing home by his son. He was very angry. The very first morning there he woke with a boner. This beautiful nurse's aid saw it in all its glory, climbed on top and rode it till he finished. He called his son and told him what a great place this was and asked why he hadn't put him there sooner. He woke the next morning with an urgent need to pee. As he was walking to the bathroom he fell on his face. A male nurse's aid saw him there, pulled down his pants and had his way with him. He immediately called his son again. "Son", he said, "You have to get me out of here"! "Why", asked his son, "Just yesterday you loved it there. " The father explained what had happened both mornings then said: "It really wouldn't be so bad but I fall down almost every day and I only have a boner about once a month!"
-
Barney
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 4425
- Joined: November 1, 2012, 5:51 am
- Location: Outback of Nong Samrong Udon Thani
Consolidated Joke Thread
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
-
Drunk Monkey
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 10046
- Joined: October 14, 2013, 4:39 pm
Consolidated Joke Thread
IN TIMES OF WORLD PROBLEMS HERE IS A TRULY HEART WARMING SENSITIVE STORY ..
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.
The proud Dad says: 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"
The boy replies: “That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher says to little Tommy: 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says, 'My grandfather got burnt'
Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says, 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said, ' Her brother has got a moustache".
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexual descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'
The best for last:
Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show the missus.
She says, 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'
time.
The proud Dad says: 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"
The boy replies: “That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher says to little Tommy: 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says, 'My grandfather got burnt'
Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says, 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said, ' Her brother has got a moustache".
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexual descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'
The best for last:
Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show the missus.
She says, 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'
Consolidated Joke Thread
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going just great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan says rolling in laughter, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going just great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan says rolling in laughter, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
Consolidated Joke Thread
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no"..he replied.
"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...
"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no"..he replied.
"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...
"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."
Consolidated Joke Thread
Bad day
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just got out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot.
He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall.
On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out on there and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.
"I don't know about that" replies the man. "But picture this, I'm stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest.......
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just got out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot.
He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall.
On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out on there and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.
"I don't know about that" replies the man. "But picture this, I'm stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest.......
Mathematics..
..got this from my friend Björn...
"This comes from 2 math
teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there;
Its the nonsense and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula.....how true it is.
Thanks Björn for a good laugh,needed that...
"This comes from 2 math
teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there;
Its the nonsense and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula.....how true it is.
Thanks Björn for a good laugh,needed that...
Consolidated Joke Thread
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it ! ]
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it ! ]
Consolidated Joke Thread
"WALKING ON THE GRASS..."
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"
This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"
This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Consolidated Joke Thread
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
Consolidated Joke Thread
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
And One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
And One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Mersey .
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
life by throwing herself into the Mersey .
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
TINITUS
- Attachments
-
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
The latest trend in Beachwear worn by Udon Thani ex-pats on their Pattaya trips and the ultimate selfie with someone unable to say no.
- Attachments
-
-
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
The latest trend in Beachwear worn by Udon Thani ex-pats on their Pattaya trips and the ultimate selfie with someone unable to say no.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
-
karonsteve
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 414
- Joined: August 8, 2012, 8:37 pm
Consolidated Joke Thread
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK but I think we can do better on the next hole"
To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK but I think we can do better on the next hole"
To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."