Consolidated Joke Thread

[socksy]

NOW HERE IS A BUSINESS THAT YOU COULD MAKE SOME GOOD MONEY IN/

Investment Opportunity


I thought that you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says the prophets are going through the roof! :-"

[socksy]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, down with my knickers and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........


The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Waitrose either!"

[GT93]

You're a wicked bloke socksy. Excellent 747man. I like that one.

[747man]

You Finally Admitted it GT.................. Excellent 747man.

[Jsell50]

A traveling salesman has been on the road for a while and when he gets home the first thing he does is carry his wife into the bedroom and start having wild sex with her. His young son, hearing the noise comes into the room and climbs onto his back. "Come on Daddy" he yells, "Lets play cowboy"! The salesman, just keeps on until his wife starts screaming. "Look out", his son yells, "This is where me and the mailman got bucked off!"

[GT93]

It would be just as good if we replaced the mailman with the milkman, socksy or 747man.

[Jsell50]

Brother and sister are walking by parents room when they hear strange noises. Little girl eases the door open a crack and peeks in, looks at her brother and peeks again. "Darn", she whispers, "Mommy gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"

[747man]

Just remind your budgie!!!


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.



Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.



John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.



John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.



For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.



The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.



I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable
behaviour."



John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behaviour, the bird spoke up, very softly,



"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[747man]

It would be just as good if we replaced the mailman with the milkman, socksy or 747man.

Don't see many jokes from YOU GT, NZ Sense of Humour ( NONE ) No Doubt....555

[jackspratt]

Just remind your budgie!!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.................

The joke that just keeps on giving - it must be Christmas.

Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby boes » November 29, 2014, 4:00 pm
Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.......

Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby kopkei » May 11, 2014, 9:54 am
BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.......

[747man]

Just remind your budgie!!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.................

The joke that just keeps on giving - it must be Christmas.

Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby boes » November 29, 2014, 4:00 pm
Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.......

But IT is FUNNY, Jack.......

Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby kopkei » May 11, 2014, 9:54 am
BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.......

[stattointhailand]

They know you have trouble remembering things at your age Jack :-"

Now all we have to do, is get the bloody parrot to remember the joke

[jackspratt]

But IT is FUNNY, Jack.......

Certainly was the first time Jumbo ............... since then ......... law of diminishing returns.

[747man]

But IT is FUNNY, Jack.......

Certainly was the first time Jumbo ............... since then ......... law of diminishing returns.

I Only posted it AGAIN for you Mr Pratt,Someone said you had Altziemers....

[jackspratt]

But IT is FUNNY, Jack.......

Certainly was the first time Jumbo ............... since then ......... law of diminishing returns.

I Only posted it AGAIN for you Mr Pratt,Someone said you had Altziemers....

Altziemers ......... is that a condition particular to northern English taxi drivers?

Is it related to altimeters - perhaps Earnest could step in and help here.

My doctor may have said I have Alzheimer's ...... but I can't remember.

[Earnest]

Sh!tty death, I've been sat here in hysterics. Not at the jokes, you understand, but the p!sstakes that follow on.

To answer your question, Altziemers is a cockpit instrument that assists very old pilots in knowing who they are and where they're going.

[socksy]

A smorgasbord of witty sayings!





"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

[socksy]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full,so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me – I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me The ****** Arab. :-"

[747man]

Hey Socks, You had better watch out mate,You have posted THIS One before So you'll have Mr Pratt on you're case..Very Shortly...!!!

[socksy]

Sorry 747 man. I'm a year older now and senility must be setting in. I look forward to next year where there will be new one's forthcoming (I HOPE)